With family like this, who needs TV
by Sometimes I lick windows
Summary: Ummmm... i don't know what really to say about this... A random family tree maybe... O.O? Please read and if you want review... I'm not saying you have to... I just thought it was a nice idea...


**A/N: This is a random family tree. I'm not saying it's right or normal or funny but it's just well…. itself. Yes. And isn't that a brilliant thing because it is proud of itself and doesn't hide itself away….. O.o"...?**

**This is the lovechild of too much chocolate and boredom. Yes. Yes it is.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters (If I did, Snape, Sirius [Siriusly?...get it?], and Hedwig would not have died and Neville would have been given courage so he could be even MORE awesome than he already is!). These people all belong to J. K Rowling (who is SOOOOOO lucky to have these characters…. but she kills Hedwig…. Siriusly?... Hahaha….lol….).**

**So. Yeah.**

**On with this godforsaken absurd demented creation already!**

**(I really will need a stiff drink when this is over….)**

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Soooooo. Where do we begin? Well, at the beginning of course but other that …. well, let's just get on with it shall we.

Now, Mr Weasley, our lovely young bride (yes, he is a girl) has an arranged marriage with Lucius Malfoy. She/he was quite happy with this arrangement but Lucius was not. They did marry but Lucius (because he is evil by nature) sees someone behind Arthur's back (*gasp*). Years go by when, Arthur finally discovers that Lucius is having an affair with... Sirius Black (dun dun duuuuuun). Arthur so overcome with grief, kills Lucius and runs off with his body to weep and cry and be emo.

Sirius is left by her/himself (Yes, another girl. I'm not apolagizing *ducks shoe* ...but please don't kill me!) pregnant with Lucius' baby. After many months of annoying pains and cravings (Sirius: "Stupid pains! Why do I now suddenly crave tacos? Urgh!"), Sirius gives birth to a beautiful baby boy, Neville (Yays for Neville).

Neville grows up a happy, AWSOME kid, and when he turns 17, sets off to see the world but he doesn't get very far when he meets Arthur. He falls in love the beautiful girl/boy on sight. They date for a while and eventually get married. Sirius hearing of this news, hunts down the pair and, unfortunately, murders Neville (NOOOOO! *sobs*). Sirius goes to kill Arthur but Arthur informs Sirius of the fact that she/he is pregnant with Neville's child. Sirius allows Arthur to conceive the child, SNAPE! When the child is born Sirius kills Arthur for Lucius and Neville and takes SNAPE away to raise him as her/his own daughter. (Don't know why all the males are females but this is just how it goes...)

SNAPE grows up a well... she/he grows up a SNAPE-ish child. When SNAPE turns 14, she/he learns from an old letter that Sirius is not her/his actual mother but that she/he is her/his grandmother and that Sirius killed her/his parents. SNAPE runs away and after many years of plotting, writes the most awsome fanfic that kills Sirius (It was sooo funny he died of a laugh-attack...get it? "laugh-attack"... like a heart-attack... no? not funny?... oh well... on with the story...).

SNAPE, now 25, finds her/himself very lonely and depessed without his mother/father. SNAPE looks to his good friend, James, for companionship. They eventually get married. James wasn't happy with the arragnement. James, on the their honeymoon, finds a little happiness (and a little something else too... *winks*) with Peter Pettigrew. One night, SNAPE came back to the hotel room she/he and James had been using, and found James and Peter, locked in passionate embrace (F.Y.I... Peter isn't a girl... O.O"...). SNAPE in a moment of rage, challenged Peter to a duel. The two fought until dawn, when they both fell apon the floor dead. James, horrified by what just happened, commits suicide, allowing himself to fall beside his wife and his lover (Wow... Death must be having a field day with this story...).

Now, you may think that because everyone died and no-one survived but you'd be wrong. Someone did survive (for once...). SNAPE and James had been dating for quite some time and sometimes they got drunk and you know... yeah. As it turns out they actually had a child, Minerva (Surprising... really?... I wasn't sure that I could really surprise anyone anymore with this story...). Minerva, now an orphan, is raised by James' good friend, Remus. She/he raised Minerva like her/his own daughter.

Later on in life, Minerva gets married to Filch. Together they have three children. Their eldest son, Bellatrix (She/he deserves it for killing Sirius!), their middle child, Ginny (Who dies at the age of six months...), and their youngest, Regulus (...?). Bellatrix was a very power-hungry child. Ginny was a dead child. Regulus was a sad child. A very, very sad, sad child. Bellatrix went on to die trying to take over the Ministry of Magic single-handedly (Siriusly... she actually went in by herself and told everyone in the foyer that she was the new Minister for Magic... how stupid can you get?). Regulus went on to marry George (I have nothing against George... I just thought it would be funny).

He and George (both being male) adopted a little girl, Draco (Btw, anyone who it doesn't actually say dies, in your review, you can suggest an awsome way for them to die...O.o?...odd...). She/he decides that she/he will not marry. Instead, she/he decides to be artifically inseminated (think I spelled that right...). She/he gives birth to a beautiful baby boy, Pansy. Draco becomes sick when Pansy is 7, dying a slow and painful death. Pansy is forced to live on her/his own as a street urchin.

Many years later Pansy meets a young girl, Seamus. Pansy falls in love with Seamus on sight but Seamus has no intrest in Pansy. Pansy, desperate for Seamus' love and attention, creates plans to force Seamus to love her/him. In the end, one dark and lonely night, Pansy has her/his way with Seamus. Seamus, terrified by what just happened, ran home to her/his fiance, Dobby. Dobby, infuriated by the news of what happened, decides to hunt down Pansy, to makes her/him pay for the horrendous crime. It takes Dobby many months to find Pansy, for she/he had run from Dobby, fearing the consequences of the vile act. Dobby, having cornered Pansy, used the third unforgivable curse. Represenitives of the ministry of magic come and take Dobby away to Azkaban.

Seamus, alone and terrified, goes back her/his parents, Flitwick and Goyle. Seamus, not long after returning home, discovers that she/he is pregnant with Pansy child (cause you know that he would be such a sweet little girl, all pure and "No, no, no, no. I can't. I must remain pure for my marriage." Awww... how sweet...). Semus decides to keep the child, ignore her/his mother's (Goyle) warnings and advice. Many months later, Seamus gives birth to a happy, healthy little girl, Mundungus.

She/he, although happy and healthy is an ugly child, a very very ugly child (no suprises really...). Mundungus goes on in life, (*twiddles thumbs and whistles* Any minute now. Man, time travel is dull...). Ah, here we are, Mundungus is 15 now, living as a travelling circus stagehand (she/he cleans up after the elephants *pulls face*...). Mundungus on her/his long travels finds a nice young man named Mad-eye Moody. Mad-eye found he had a soft spot for the girl. They went on to marry and had twin girls, Luna and Voldemort, and one boy, Dumbledore.

Luna (being her spacy awsome self) went on to be the Divination professor at Hogwarts. Voldemort, however, went on to be the DADA professor at Hogwarts (O.O?). Dumbledore, who is 16 years younger than the two girls, is in his seventh year when they come to Hogwarts. Dumbledore's bff, Fred, fell in love Voldemort on sight. Voldemort (keeping his integrity of course) keeps her/his love a little quieter. Fred came on very strongly but also sweetly, giving her flowers and chocolates so trying to keep their love a secret became quiet hard, until finally Fred and Dumbledore graduated. Fred immediately to Voldemort and ask her/him to marry him. She told him yes and told, not gently but flatly, Dumbledore that they were engaged. Dumbledore, infuriated by the news, tried to kill Fred. Voldemort kept him back, telling to "shut up and take it". Eventually Dumbledore calmed down and agreed to let them be wed. 5 months later, with Luna as the maid of honour and Dumbledore as the best man, the unlikely pair in the real books (but entirely easy to create in fanfiction), were married.

Voldemort and Fred, discovering that Voldemort is infertile, put both their magical talents and scientific skills together to create their little test tube baby boy... HARRY!  
And that is how Harry came to be, growing up to attempt to create the perfect wife out of playdough, but instead he made Percy. Plain ol', boring Percy. He was so depressed by this that he killed himself and Percy was eaten by pigeons.

THE END!

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**A/N: Soooooooooooo...  
That's all folks.**

**Stay tuned more to come... possibly... hopefully not in your case... all that you must have suffered from reading this godforesaken abusrd demonic creation... you poor poor readers... :(**

**Well...**

**BYE!**

**~Rose Blaze- Lady of Fire~**


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